Maybe I’m Insane

Such a beautiful thing it is to read a book
Intrapersonal Conflict

Mistakes have been made.
Solutions are transparent.
Yet I hesitate.

Getting towards the “holiday season” yields so many interesting emotions varying between every individual. Some lucky ones have nothing but elation and joy, holiday cheer filling every corner of their homes. The majority of us however, have a cloudy spot in our vision, small or large, that can blur out much of that pleasure. Getting past the politics, history, and consumerism, this season has become a time synonymous with giving thanks, celebration, and being with family (weather that be birth, marriage, or family discovered on the journey of life). All things considered, there is much I have to be thankful, and yet I find myself held up on certain little mistakes I’ve made. I say little because the large, life-altering mistakes, I seem to make peace with; I take them as opportunities for growth and hope I become a better person on the other side.. yet these small mistakes.. treating someone with a little more aloofness then I would like to.. Saying something that, while may be entirely valid, offered nothing but a small cut to a persons esteem.. Being courteous instead of kind and warm to someone who has offered me nothing but love. These are the mistakes that I find myself running back through my mind over and over again like a broken phonograph slowly driving me to madness.

In reflection, the most vexing aspect of these situations is that there is such a simple and clear solution and yet I struggle so hard to act accordingly. A hug instead of a handshake.. “I really appreciate you” instead of “thanks..” a genuine “how are you?” Yet even when I manage to act in accordance with the kind of person I see myself being, I find the words ring hallow.

Perhaps I’m being to hard on myself, maybe no one would recognize this war raging in my mind with every interpersonal interaction. Maybe I’m overthinking. Maybe I’m not who I think I am. Maybe I’m insane.

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